The greatest conversationalist ever

Episode 8
HHGG Radio show (season 2 ep 2)

Background: Beeblebrox and Roosta are trapped inside a room in a building being hauled to a dangerous planet by the military.

Zaphod: Hey Roosta, I’ve just had this really hoopy idea. We’re in this wrecked building right?

Roosta: Right.

Zaphod: And the building’s in this really amazing force-bubble right?

Roosta: Right.

Zaphod: And the force-bubble’s flying through interstellar space right?

Roosta: Right

Zaphod: And there are seven Frogstar fighters towing us at about hyperspeed twelve to the Frogstar right?

Roosta: It had better be a good idea Beeblebrox.

Zaphod: Oh it’s a smash! You wanna hear it?

Roosta: Ok.

Zaphod: Let’s go to a discotheque.

Roosta: Are you crazy?

Zaphod: What’s the matter? Don’t you like discotheques? Look I’ve got this free invite some cat was giving out in the street. Here it is.

Roosta: Ahhh!! I’m with you Beeblebrox. You reckon we could slide this plastic invite into a door lock, breakout of the building, climb into one of the Frogstar fighters and then maybe overpower all the guards with this terrifying, small,… plastic card.

————–

No one can resist that .. just now one !

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3 thoughts on “The greatest conversationalist ever

  1. actually there are far more better conversations in the hhgg ! like marvin and the large bad-ass tank ! here is some quotes i like taking from wikiquotes :

    1-“Well, you’re obviously being totally naive”, Said the girl, “When you’ve been in marketing as long as I have, you know that before any new product can be developed it has to be properly researched. We’ve got to find out what people want from fire, how they relate to it, what sort of image it has for them.”
    “Stick it up your nose,” he [Ford] said.
    “Which is precisely the sort of thing we need to know,” insisted the girl. “Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?”

    2-“one’s never alone with a rubber duck.” – Captain of the load of useless bloody loonies from Golgafrincham,

    3-Marvin: “I am at a rough estimate thirty billion times more intelligent than you. Let me give you an example. Think of a number, any number.”
    Zem: “Er, five.”
    Marvin: “Wrong. You see?”
    The mattress was much impressed by this and realised that it was in the presence of a not unremarkable mind.

  2. and here is marvin’s conversation with the tank, its gonna be a bit long so be patient 😀 :

    Marvin stood at the end of the bridge corridor. He was not in
    fact a particularly small robot. His silver body gleamed in the
    dusty sunbeams and shook with the continual barrage which the
    building was still undergoing.

    He did, however, look pitifully small as the gigantic black tank
    rolled to a halt in front of him. The tank examined him with a
    probe. The probe withdrew.
    Marvin stood there.

    “Out of my way little robot,” growled the tank.

    “I’m afraid,” said Marvin, “that I’ve been left here to stop
    you.”

    The probe extended again for a quick recheck. It withdrew again.

    “You? Stop me?” roared the tank. “Go on!”

    “No, really I have,” said Marvin simply.

    “What are you armed with?” roared the tank in disbelief.

    “Guess,” said Marvin.

    The tank’s engines rumbled, its gears ground. Molecule-sized
    electronic relays deep in its micro-brain flipped backwards and
    forwards in consternation.

    “Guess?” said the tank.

    “Yes, go on,” said Marvin to the huge battle machine, “you’ll
    never guess.”

    “Errmmm …” said the machine, vibrating with unaccustomed
    thought, “laser beams?”

    Marvin shook his head solemnly.

    “No,” muttered the machine in its deep guttural rumble, “Too
    obvious. Anti-matter ray?” it hazarded.

    “Far too obvious,” admonished Marvin.

    “Yes,” grumbled the machine, somewhat abashed, “Er … how about
    an electron ram?”

    This was new to Marvin.

    “What’s that?” he said.

    “One of these,” said the machine with enthusiasm.

    From its turret emerged a sharp prong which spat a single lethal
    blaze of light. Behind Marvin a wall roared and collapsed as a
    heap of dust. The dust billowed briefly, then settled.

    “No,” said Marvin, “not one of those.”

    “Good though, isn’t it?”

    “Very good,” agreed Marvin.

    “I know,” said the Frogstar battle machine, after another
    moment’s consideration, “you must have one of those new Xanthic
    Re-Structron Destabilized Zenon Emitters!”

    “Nice, aren’t they?” said Marvin.

    “That’s what you’ve got?” said the machine in considerable awe.

    “No,” said Marvin.

    “Oh,” said the machine, disappointed, “then it must be …”
    “You’re thinking along the wrong lines,” said Marvin, “You’re
    failing to take into account something fairly basic in the
    relationship between men and robots.”

    “Er, I know,” said the battle machine, “is it …” it tailed off
    into thought again.

    “Just think,” urged Marvin, “they left me, an ordinary, menial
    robot, to stop you, a gigantic heavy-duty battle machine, whilst
    they ran off to save themselves. What do you think they would
    leave me with?”

    “Oooh, er,” muttered the machine in alarm, “something pretty damn
    devastating I should expect.”

    Expect!” said Marvin, “oh yes, expect. I’ll tell you what they
    gave me to protect myself with shall I?”

    “Yes, alright,” said the battle machine, bracing itself.

    “Nothing,” said Marvin.

    There was a dangerous pause.

    “Nothing?” roared the battle machine.

    “Nothing at all,” intoned Marvin dismally, “not an electronic
    sausage.”
    The machine heaved about with fury.

    “Well, doesn’t that just take the biscuit!” it roared, “Nothing,
    eh? Just don’t think, do they?”

    “And me,” said Marvin in a soft low voice, “with this terrible
    pain in all the diodes down my left side.”

    “Makes you spit, doesn’t it?”

    “Yes,” agreed Marvin with feeling.

    “Hell that makes me angry,” bellowed the machine, “think I’ll
    smash that wall down!”

    The electron ram stabbed out another searing blaze of light and
    took out the wall next to the machine.

    “How do you think I feel?” said Marvin bitterly.

    “Just ran off and left you, did they?” the machine thundered.
    “Yes,” said Marvin.

    “I think I’ll shoot down their bloody ceiling as well!” raged the
    tank.

    It took out the ceiling of the bridge.

    “That’s very impressive,” murmured Marvin.

    “You ain’t seeing nothing yet,” promised the machine, “I can take
    out this floor too, no trouble!”

    It took out the floor, too.

    “Hell’s bells!” the machine roared as it plummeted fifteen
    storeys and smashed itself to bits on the ground below.

    “What a depressingly stupid machine,” said Marvin and trudged
    away.

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